I find it poetically fitting that I end my journey in the Netherlands in the same place I began: killing time writing in the lobby of a hostel in Sloterdijk. I’m running on approximately one hour of sleep, which has led to a pretty horrendous morning but will serve me well during my eight-hour bus ride that I start in a couple hours.

Last we spoke, I was having a veg day at my friends’ place, doing absolutely nothing in the glorious few hours between a way-too-large lunch and going out to dinner. Our most important activity of the day was finding the 1994 NYC Ballet Nutcracker movie with Macaulay Culkin on YouTube. You can never have too much Nutcracker in December; it feels wrong to not have all of the music constantly stuck in my head. Like I’m betraying my heritage or something. So this was a good refresher.

And then it was dinner time! We went to this Ethiopian place. They didn’t give us menus; the waiter was like do you trust me? And we were like umm we just met two minutes ago but sure why not and also here are my dietary preferences. Best part about Ethiopian food? You eat it with your hands. It’s also served family style in this huge platter in front of you and oh yeah it tastes pretty good too. Like apparently every other restaurant in the Netherlands there was a resident cat who I bonded with hardcore and legit didn’t want to leave.

The next day was Swan Lake Day 2017. This is neither a real nor a fake holiday, but something I just invented this second. We were going to a matinee performance by a touring company called Ballet Tatarsaan (they’re Russian and I think I spelled that right maybe) at 2pm in Amsterdam. After a quick brunch comprised almost entirely of chocolate, we left with plenty of time to get to the theatre. We’re talking like, getting there 45 minutes to an hour early.

Unfortunately, we had timed our stay in the Netherlands during the worst snowfall in a decade. Where I’m from, it was just like, a decently snowy day. But the Dutch seem to think the apocalypse is coming and have no idea how to do anything. Our first train was cancelled; the second should have gotten us there in plenty of time, had it not STOPPED ON THE TRACKS FOR A HALF HOUR BECAUSE SUDDENLY THE RAIL WASN’T WORKING? After being stuck and watching countless trains fly by us (well, chug by us) we finally started moving backwards for awhile, got onto a different track, and then completed our journey. Only problem was we had about ten minutes before the show started and we were a good 15 minutes away from the theatre, plus we had to wait for the bus.

A dramatic bus ride later in which I told off the bus driver for not being accommodating to my v v pregnant friend, we arrived at the theatre 15 minutes late and extremely out of breath. We cautiously asked the usher if the show had started yet – perhaps they held the curtain because of weather? He looked at us funny, and told us we still had 45 minutes before the show.

I enjoyed most of Swan Lake. Odette was stunning, both as herself and the black swan, and the jester was amazing- he stayed on his center for like, zillions of pirouettes and fouettés and never lost his footing once. I’ve never seen the ballet start to finish before, and I’m so glad I did. The dancers were decent- not the best of the best, but that’s perfectly okay. My main issue was storytelling; I think they could have been clearer in their acting and pantomime. Also it had a stupid happy ending, which is apparently a thing but I hadn’t heard of it until then.

It was our last evening with our friends; we ate dinner and talked for a long time before saying our goodbyes.

The next morning, my sister and I headed into Amsterdam for our last day. The weather was still pretty awful, and all of our walking outside plans became let’s go inside and warm up plans instead. We spent the day walking around a couple of neighborhoods (briefly), going to a giant floating flower market (as quickly as possible), and then sitting in a cafe and then a bar for hours until it was time to leave for ANOTHER BALLET WHAT?! (Also the weather was so bad that they were giving free tram rides, which was MUCH more convenient than the 30+ minute walk through wind and snow we were going to have to do otherwise.)

Yeah. We were seeing the Dutch National Ballet perform Sleeping Beauty. We got the cheapest seats and then scooched our way into better ones – and they were incredible. Second balcony but a perfect view of everything, right in the center. Sleeping Beauty was elaborate and lovely – the dancers were incredible, the costumes were insane, the set was beautiful, and everything was very nicely put together as a whole. It’s also fun seeing music and variations you know so well – I’ve done some of the exact same choreography before (just you know, not as well). My biggest issue was that there were two intermissions, which not only made the show unnecessarily long (we didn’t get out until about 10:45, and it had started at 7:30) but didn’t divide up the story well either. It was probably because of logistics, but I wish they had just put one intermission between acts 1 and 2 (instead of between prologue and act 1, and then between acts 2 and 3).

We then had a super fun adventure of getting home. Let’s preface this by saying that my sister wanted to leave by about 5am the next morning to catch her flight. And we still had to pack and clean our now disgusting AirBnB. We walked half an hour to the train station in Amsterdam. And then ALL THE TRAINS WERE CANCELLED. It took us at least half an hour to find a train that would get us back, and involved sprinting to a lot of different platforms. Eventually we got on a train, and that took us the half hour back, and then we had another half hour walk to our AirBnB. So we didn’t even get back until about 1. And then I realized that our container of olives that was part of our dinner leaked oil alllllllll over my daypack and everything in it, camera and kindle included. Made packing a tad difficult. After everything that needed doing, yeah, about one hour of sleep. I want to die. But I’m also very much looking forward to passing out on the bus and not dealing with anyone. Because I’m going to PARIS, kids, and I don’t need to deal with anyone’s shit!

Over the past few days, I’ve had a lot more time to self reflect, scroll through facebook, all that important stuff. I’ve been having some trouble lately being happy for myself and proud of myself for what I’m doing. I see all this amazing stuff happening to my actor friends, and it just makes me feel like crap. Like I didn’t get anywhere at all when I was living in Chicago. Like I have absolutely no direction in my life. Like I’ve failed myself as an artist and as a performer and an actor. I’m also missing out on some opportunities that could possibly help my career – or possibly not.

I know in my brain that comparing myself to other people is stupid, and that what I’m doing is actually incredible and is what I want to be doing right now. But. But. That nagging feeling comes back every now and again. It tries to make me feel terrible about myself. It tries to make me ask myself what the hell I’m possibly going to do next for money. It tries to tell me that I’ll never be successful or do anything important with my life.

I need to let that go. It’s hard to shut your ego up, but I’m trying. I’m working on it.