Here I am, sitting in my bedroom on my laptop, feeling a swirl of emotions that’s become all too familiar to me. The final moments before leaving for a trip–or before returning home from one–are always this weird mixture of excitement, dread, sadness, and confusion, and one again, I find myself caught up in the middle of them all.
I’m in a place where I’m content. Truly, honestly, happy. In ROCHESTER, no less, which is pretty mind-blowing to me. Throughout my travels, I’ve come to learn that my life will always be evolving, and there’s not this like pinnacle point that I have to reach to achieve happiness. And I’m finding joy in the motion.
What’s more, I’m finding joy in the stasis. Not going anywhere, not having adventures in the traditional sense, but forming relationships and strengthening friendships with people I care about, finding new ways to explore my art and expand my businesses and searching for new ways to be a independent creator? That’s been as vital to who I am right now as traveling has been.
I’m also glad that the novelty of things like AN ACTUAL CLOSET and a DISHWASHER and being able to ORDER STUFF I NEED FROM AMAZON and having a TELEVISION haven’t been lost on me yet. I so much more appreciate these things, and I feel like I’ve become so much more myself, in the paring down of my material things to what I really need and really care about.
I don’t have a lot of money. And I find myself being careful–not too careful, but careful–about where I spend it. And it’s going towards the things I care about. Which has become mostly experiences. Stupid experiences sometimes, but experiences nonetheless. You know, going to bars. And drunkenly signing up for blow-up castle races with my roommate.
The scariest thing yet is that, certainly not for the first time, I’m leaving a new relationship. I haven’t allowed myself to have a “real” relationship in a long time, because I was scared of being held back, or of holding others to unfair standards, and mostly because I hadn’t found anyone that I was interested in committing myself to. But there’s something really wonderful about leaving someone with not just a “whelp, this has been fun, I guess maybe we’ll see each other when I get back? Possibly?” or a “let’s just see what happens while I’m gone,” but a true knowledge that you care about each other and something silly like a little distance for a short while won’t change that.
In case I never said exactly what I’m doing, I’m heading to Guatemala to open up a rehabilitation center for dogs. We have so much to do, so much to build, but these dogs have nothing and no one. So it’s us or nobody.
So I hate that I have to leave in a lot of ways, because things are going so swimmingly, and while they’re not perfect, I’m finding my way. But I know that part of my feeling is also the fear of the unknown, and I’m determined to never let myself settle. So even though it’s not my first choice to be going and doing this right now, I know it’s what I need to do. I’m going to do it in a way that is healthy for me; I’ve already decided that I’m not staying long–no more than a month, and I will make sure to focus on my own work as well.
But as Dumbledore says, “We must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy.” And this isn’t easy for me right now–truly, the more inviting choice would be to stay here longer, relax, focus only on myself–but I know it’s the right thing to do. It’s something that I’m meant to do. I don’t know what kind of energy I have for this project, but I’m showing up, and that’s half the battle.
The post Overwhelmed for the Millionth Time appeared first on Yes To Nowhere.