The last couple days have been tough, but I’m feeling a whole lot better today. Minus the hangover.
They shouldn’t have been, not really. A few days ago in Kilkenny, we had a pretty lazy day. I went and got some food and brought it back to the hostel for us to eat, and then I just explored the city a bit, nothing too crazy. I was hanging out in the common area of my hostel at around 5, and a Croatian man offered me food. Like, so much food. A giant plate of chicken and potatoes. You don’t turn down free food, and I ate as much as I could and got to know him. It wasn’t long before we had decided to go out for a few drinks together- and he KEPT BUYING US ROUNDS. SO MANY ROUNDS. And you don’t turn down free beer. I need to stop drinking so much.
The day before last, my American friend and I drove into Dublin and parted ways, and I walked to my hostel, checked in, and went to a pizza place around the corner for a super cheap lunch. An older Irish gentleman was sitting next to me, and naturally he started talking to me (which still surprises me). I shopped a little bit (I failed a little bit at packing and I need some different clothes- more on that later) and then headed to the Abbey Theatre to see a show. At intermission, the Irish man sitting next to me started talking to me, and it turns out he’s this hotshot film producer here – and he immediately pegged me as an actor; he bought me a drink after the show and we had so much to talk about. Also he gave me his card and invited me to see him in Paris while he’s shooting a film he’s doing there in a few weeks? What?
I spent the next morning alone at the Trinity College Library (beautiful but way more expensive to get into than it should be). I randomly ran into a couple girls I had met that morning at the hostel, a Canadian and a girl from Chicago. I spent the rest of the day with the Chicago girl, and we had Very Important Adventures, such as shopping for Harry Potter clothing at Penney’s (the cheap clothes store here), slap-happily walking across the city to the cemetery, and then getting lectured for actually TWENTY MINUTES about how Irish people are just as repressed as black people (?????) when my friend offered to take a picture of a guy failing hardcore at a selfie. In the evening I went out to Temple Bar with my three French roommates for some overpriced beer.
This sounds like fun, no? But the thing is, I had plans to travel with my friend, but now I haven’t heard from him in days, so I guess that’s not happening. No communication, none. I feel used, and confused, and stupid for looking forward to something, and angry at myself for relying on somebody else. I eventually just said fuck it and made my own travel plans, but I did it more out of spite than excitement. I guess one good thing came out of this: I never would be going to the places I’m going if it weren’t for his suggestions.
So then yesterday happened, and things started turning around. I did a couple things I wanted to do for me, alone: I went to this old-ass library called Marsh’s library, and I did the Jameson tour, which was dope AF. Best tour guide ever, and super informative and interactive: I got to hold in my hands and smell the different types of barley used, and learned about the distillation process and how it differs from other whiskeys, got to compare different types of whiskeys, and got basically two free drinks out of the whole thing. Highly recommended tourist-y thing to do. And while I was having my drink afterwards, I met an older couple from Canada who made me feel so at home.
I got back to my hostel and chillaxed before deciding I should probably be social, and joined a pub crawl last minute. I spent an incredibly unfortunate amount of money on alcohol, but I met some really fun people and fucking KILLED at flip cup. On our way between pubs 2 and 3, I got distracted by three puppies on a corner, and me and a British guy completely lost track of our group. It ended up being super entertaining – we went to like basically every pub for two hours looking for them, ran into another pub crawl, and eventually found our group again at the last place. Too many tequila shots later (like who even DOES tequila shots? What is wrong with me?) I ended up making some poor decisions with British guy. At least he had a hotel room.
But here’s the thing: I need to stop letting other people control my emotions so much. Part of my reason for doing this trip was to learn how to be alone with myself and okay with it, but I keep falling into the same patterns: finding self worth based on how other people feel about me; getting drunk and doing stupid shit because I’m fucking lonely; feeling like utter garbage when things don’t go the way I thought they would; being happy when people make me feel good about myself. It shouldn’t be so hard for me to create my own happiness, but maybe I’m just not wired that way. I don’t think I’m going to magically solve this problem of mine anytime soon; it’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time and I think it will always be a challenge in my life.
Somebody asked me the other day what my favorite part of my trip has been so far, and I answered in complete honesty that it’s the people I’ve met. Sure, it’s cool to see old churches and nature and shit, but the friends I’ve made from around the world and the interpersonal moments I’ve had are by far the highlights. And I think that’s why I get so caught up in my own loneliness and trying to overcompensate; people are everything to me. Books and movies and stories are about relationships, not the setting. I’m measuring my time in the friends I’ve found, more than the places I’ve seen, and I think that’s okay.
I just have to learn to have no absolutely no expectations of anyone. Especially dudes (sorry dudes, but seriously.) And learn to actually be okay with being truly, utterly, completely alone.